In an email, I got a message from a friend who inquired, “What do you do when you’re trying to understand and listen in order to resolve issues, however the other person does not listen or attempts to reach a compromise?”
I’ve written before about the best way to reach agreements that are committed and not just apathetic Chet Stokes. In this situation I’ll take the author on his assertion that the other really “never will listen or even tries to reach a compromise” and suggest four options for solving this problem:
- Stop the relationship.
If you’re “trying to understand and listen” however the other party really “never listens or even tries to reach a agreement,” give up. You’ll never be able to get the results you desire from them and there’s no sense in trying. This is known as “take either or not” in which the person is attempting to force you to accept her actions or ending the relationship. Therefore, you should leave.
- Keep coming back because the good outweighs the bad.
In this scenario you’re prepared to stick in the hope of a better future and bear the negative. For instance, the unruly person could be your boss and you’re in need of to do the job. Also, the person who is unruly might be your spouse and you wish to remain to protect the children or simply because generally there are more positive days than bad days. Choose to accept the individual’s actions for the greater good. Maintain the relationship and accept that it is your decision. Nobody is forcing you to remain, so put aside your anger.
- Stay with them because you want to ensure that you never see them change.
It is not just that you sit in the hope that the person does not change and you’re unhappy if they change. This isn’t apparent, therefore you need to be a good listener. I’m here to help.
Take into consideration the possibility (and I’m sure this will be very difficult for you to consider) that you do not like the person who is a jerk. In the end, if you don’t see a change in this person, you will get a massive reward. You’re right and cause the other person to be mistaken.
Don’t underestimate this reward. It’s huge for humans. If the other person’s behavior doesn’t change it is acceptable to continue making fun of him, ridiculing him , and blaming him. It is possible to consider yourself an “good man” since it is true that “he/she” will have “forced” the other person to behave that in this way. It is not your responsibility to accept any responsibility for your relationship, since the “blame” is on the other end.
The best way to tell whether this is true the best way to determine this is observe whether you talk about and complain about the person, but remain with them in the friendship. If the situation is really terrible, then why do you remain? There must be some sort of reward. One of the biggest benefit is to be viewed as good and perhaps just.
- Ask yourself if you are really listening and trying to comprehend.
It’s a matter of soul-searching. If you’re not paying attention, but are just waiting on the person you are talking to to quit talking to let you justify your position and why you are right, then it’s not surprising you don’t appear to be eager to figure things out. That’s not the case or at least from the perspective of the other person.
You can probably see from these suggestions that I’m a fervent supporter of the school that believes that you aren’t able to control another’s behavior. It’s only you who can control your own behavior.
Surprisingly, it’s often the case that when you undergo a change it’s the same for the other person. Could it be that the irrational person is acting out due to something you’re doing that leads him to believe that this is the best way for him to have his or her needs met?